Synopsises
by Tai Greywing
Summary: REPOSTED! The 9th Doctor episodes as you've never seen them before. Warning: strange sense of humour, sugar required. This may look familiar, so come and read! Finally COMPLETE! Ish.
1. Nice to meet you, run for your life!

_**A/N REPOSTED! Due to this story's overwhelming popularity (cough, yeah right, cough) I've edited and reposted. Am leaving most of the original author's notes up though. If you reviewed before, could you possibly bring yourself to re-review? Please?**_

_**Dedication: The return of this fic is dedicated to: everyone who complained that I ought to get this story back. And there are quite a few of you, you know who you are.**_

_(A/N I was re-watching the episodes the other day, and I thought that there would be quite a scope for poking fun at them. So here I am, be nice. Warning: I was incredibly hyper when I wrote this, so if it isn't funny: go consume large quantities of sugar, then watch at least two of the episodes, then come back and read. A review would also be nice._

_Disclaimer: I've discovered a severe lack in my life: I don't own Doctor Who. Sniff! So the Doctor and all related artifacts are owned by the BBC, not me.)_

_---------_

**1 – Nice to meet you, run for your life!**

London. Capital city of England and soon-to-be site of quite a lot of alien activity.

But you don't know that yet.

So forget I mentioned it.

Meet Rose – average every-day London teen. Who gets attacked. Or at least quite badly frightened by some shop dummies.

Meet the Doctor – average every-day time-hopping alien. Also known as Trouble-on-legs. That is to say, trouble with a capitalised, bold and italic 't'. If you stick around him, you are _going_ to get blown up.

Living plastic is taking over the world! Or at least one high street clothes shop. This then gets blown up, courtesy of a certain pyromaniac Doctor. Who later drops by for a house call.

And in the 4th round of WWE we have, in the blue corner, the Doctor! Aaand in the red corner, the plastic arm!

Round one, _ding!_

And the arm appears to have the upper hand! _(A/N I do apologise for that baaad pun)_. What's this? The Doctor cheated by using a gadget, and won! He then runs off after being suitably cryptic to the pretty girl following him.

Look mate, she's obviously interested in you, try not to snub her off.

So interested in fact, that she's looking you up on the Internet.

Now, she's off to visit someone who's _obsessed_ with you. Do you have a fan club or something? Ok, don't answer that one.

WWE round five! Tug-of-War edition! Mickey-Rose's-boyfriend versus the Wheelie Bin!

_Ding!_

Well, even bins get hungry I suppose.

Meet the plastic boyfriend! Who Rose must actually be quite blind to miss. Soo… what's it like, dating a plastic man? Oh, that's right. You don't find out because you get interrupted by '**_T_**rouble-on-legs' aka the Doctor. Who, for some as yet unexplained reason pulls off plastic-boy's head. Maybe he's jealous.

So _that's_ what fire-bells are supposed to be used for! Getting everyone outside in the event of a mad, headless, plastic guy with axes for hands running rampage and chopping everything to pieces. It all makes so much sense now! I know when to use a fire-bell!

No, Rose. Don't run out the obvious exit, that massive padlocked gate. Instead, go inside the randomly-placed battered blue box that looks remarkably like a used prop from the BBC.

Oh, wait. It _is_ a used prop from the BBC! Although he insists on calling it a 'TARDIS'. Now, what did that stand for again?

'Trusty And Reliable Device' It's Sarcasm ?

No, must've been:

Take Another Ride, Doctor Isn't Sane ? ((**1**))

_Now_ it's explained what he needed the head of plastic-boy for. Tracking the signal. Of course. I'm still going with the jealously idea.

It's also explained what he needs the beautiful girl for _(A/N **Get** your minds **out** of that gutter! It's nothing like that!). _He's too blind to see the 'transmitter' that's staring him in the face. Well, the back of his head. But he's an alien, they're supposed to have eyes in the backs of their heads, aren't they?

So, the new 'terrible two' discover that real-version-of-the-plastic-boyfriend is, in fact, still alive. Then **_T_**rouble-on-legs has a discussion with something that resembles the offspring of _The Slime Horror_ and _Flubber_ (or at least, that's what I think). The alien then does rather poorly in another wrestle against the plastic.

It's time to save the Doctor-in-Distress! Or something like that. By swinging Tarzan-style on a random chain. Of course. Couldn't she have just jumped on them from behind?

Then the place gets blown up. What did we say about traveling with **_T_**rouble-on-legs? But they escape, in the 'Travels All Roads, Deposit Insurance Spaceship.'

What now? Choices. Get rich from the compensation money and have a nice, if cowardly, boyfriend.

OR

Risk life and limb getting blown up while trailing round after joy-seeking, slightly manic alien.

The alien, every time.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

So, Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, but nearly get blown up in the process.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

((**1**)) _If anyone out there can think of any TARDIS acronyms, I'd love to hear them. Review and tell me, I'll try and put them in. Hee, subtle way of getting people to review…_

_A/N That didn't quite work as planned. Try the second chapter as well._


	2. Welcome to the End of the World

_(A/N Take Two, I'll try again._

_Disclaimer: Annoyingly enough, my brother pointed out that I don't own the TARDIS, so I can't go back and do my history homework **properly**. By association, I don't own any of the things mentioned in Doctor Who, the BBC does. Unfortunately for me, I also don't own the Matrix or Minority Report, but I don't really mind as much about that.)_

_------_

**2 – Welcome to the End of the World**

So, now that the alien's kidnapped the beautiful girl (or something along those lines), where should they go on a nice holiday vacation? The Doctor suggests going to watch the Earth get blown up. Ok!… Oh, he wasn't kidding. Well, with his love of blowing things up/getting blown up I should have guessed he wasn't joking.

One wonders if our alien _ever_ gets invited to anything properly, or he just likes gatecrashing.

Meet the people with blue skin, they're aliens.

Meet the trees, they're also aliens.

Meet the black hooded dudes, they're droids. But you don't know that yet, so we'll say they're aliens.

Now meet a face-in-a-jar. You guessed it – alien.

That guy standing next to Rose – he's an alien as well.

There's a stretched-out piece of skin on a wire frame, she's an al… No. Wait. _That _one's human. _And_ an evil money-grabbing villain in the bargain. But you don't know that yet.

What's this? Those suspicious-looking gift eggs are hatching! They're giving birth to little mechanical spiders. Was it just me who's forcibly reminded of

Matrix sentinels

Those spider things from Minority Report?

Just me? Ok, then.

Then we get some human –alien friendship bonding _(A/N I said **friend**ship!)_ over a soon-to-be-deceased planet and a 5000000000-year phone call. _(A/N Ouch! The bill **would** be huge!)_. See, Rose? He _does_ like you. He invited you into his place and now he's given you a present! And, just to break up a slightly tender moment, the entire station shudders.

'Err…it's supposed to do that' blue dude squeaks over the PA system. Yeah, right. Apparently, **_T_**rouble-on-legs agrees with me. Which can only be a good thing…right? Maybe not, because it means that he goes off alone with the tree from earlier that he breathed over.

Oh no! His secret identity is discovered! He's not really Mr. Random-probably-rich-alien-from-unspecified-planet. He is, in fact: Last Time Traveling Alien Of His Species. And…

_He's all alooone,_

_There's no-one here_

_Besiiiiiiide hiiiiim!_

Minor 'awwww' moment please.

Now that's over let's find out why it was such a bad idea to leave Rose alone.

She's talking to the (her own words) 'bitching trampoline'. Maybe it wasn't such a clever idea to offend someone who has the droids, I mean the minions, to kill you. Or at least knock her unconscious and leave her in a pretty viewing gallery.

Dun, dun, duuuun! But what's this? Those Matrix sentinels cross Minority Report Spiders have been busy. Look, they killed (indirectly of course. Can you imagine one of those things wielding a knife?) the blue-skinned dude from earlier. Look, they killed Rose. _That_ was a short series.

No, hang on. I'm mistaken; the Doctor came and saved her. What'd he do that for? Maybe he _likes_ her. So now she has a front row seat of the Earth blowing up. Our Time Lord would be envious.

_Would_ be; apart from he's too busy trying _not_ to get blown up.

And **_T_**rouble-on-legs saves everyone by walking straight through the equivalent of a solid spinning saw blade. Without explaining how he did it. Which is annoying, because that would have been _so_ useful to know last term, when I was attempting to escape the wrath of my mathematics teacher.

So he saves everyone.

Except for the tree. And anyone else who's allergic to 5000°C. Which isn't him, because he's an alien. Obviously.

The Doctor proceeds to reveal his top-secret identity to Rose (and us viewers incidentally) as Last Surviving Time Lord. Then tries to brush it off by going for some chips.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

Summary of the Synopsis: They fail to save the world (they weren't really trying), but still nearly get blown up in the process.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

_A/N Sooo… what do you think? Should I give up now and go find a rock to crawl under? Keep going but get someone professional to look at my sense of humour? Tell me, ok? If no one says anything I'll be back in a couple of days._

_And I'd like any TARDIS acronyms that you can think of!_


	3. Die in a dungeon, in Cardiff!

_(A/N I'm back! Did you miss me?_

_To Everyone: Thank you sooo much for your reviews, you prompted me to get off my lazy backside and write. For which I am eternally grateful! I am trying to update quickly to catch up with the series so here are two more chapters._

_Same rules apply as before: If it isn't funny, go away and consume something very sugary. Like…sugar, that'll do. _

_Reviews most welcome!_

_Flames (not that there are going to be any!) will be given to the Doctor, to help him to blow some more things up._

_Disclaimer: Despite the fact that it **is** my birthday, no one gave me Doctor Who! Go talk to the BBC, not me... Also don't own Mystery Inc. (maybe that's a good thing...)_

_----------_

**3 – Die in a dungeon… in Cardiff!**

So what's the prescription today, Doctor? Let's go meddle with the timeline some more. How does 1860 sound? Good, because we're not going there. His timing's off by nearly a decade. So… what's there to do in Victorian Cardiff?

You could go to the theatre, go to a speech by Charles Dickens, or nearly get killed by some aliens from across the universe.

The aliens. Like I said, every time. Does Rose have an alien fetish or something?

Investigation, Mystery Inc. style: Let's all split up and search for clues! Rose goes and checks out the old biddy who just 'fainted', while **_T_**rouble-on-legs aka our friendly Time Lord goes to talk to the dude on stage. Who insults his jumper. Warning: Do _not_ insult the Time Lord's choice of clothing – he gets stroppy. While he's involved in a study of Random-gas-alien-that's-pretending-to-be-a-ghost, he doesn't notice Rose following the people carrying the woman outside.

Outside- Rose demonstrates her amazing powers of perception: 'Omigod! She's dead!'. At the same time she doesn't notice the person sneaking up behind her until it's too late. I.e., when she gets the chloroform pressed to her mouth. I suppose she can only be reasonably expected to notice one important clue at a time. But she gets herself Rose-napped and shoved in the hearse with the aforementioned dead body.

Just as the hearse drives off, who should come running out of the building looking for a certain 21st century teenager? Only our very own friendly alien, who for a Time Lord has _the_ worst sense of timing ever, so just misses stopping the hearse. So, like in all car chases, he jumps into a nearby carriage and yells: 'Follow that car! Err…hearse!'. But what's this? Charles Dickens wants to come too? That's ok; the Doctor's a fan. And tells him so.

So they save Rose from the Random-gas-alien-possessed-walking-corpses. Who weren't actually trying to kill her. Of course not. They're just a bit lost. All they want is to take over the world, I mean borrow some corpses for a while, and then they'll leave. Rose isn't so sure about this and I agree with her. Since when have random aliens _ever_ kept their word and stuck to the bargain? But **_T_**rouble-on-legs and Random-expendable-female-character-that's-somehow-the-key-to-it-all think it's fine. And since I don't really get a say in this, Rose is out-voted.

Whooo! A séance! Spooky! Well, not really, because they're not really ghosts. What message is this sending to kids? Ghosts don't exist, they're just gaseous aliens from the other side of the universe. And they wonder why the kids have nightmares.

After the gas aliens cunningly trick Random-expendable-female-character-who-is-in-fact-the-key into standing in the one spot they want her: 'Come over here, it'll help us to blow up the world! I mean…save us! Yeah, that's right, it'll help to save us!', (_A/N now that **was** cunning!)_, they proceed to show their true colours (a pretty silvery-blue).

Once installed in the corpses that are lying around (what else do you find in a morgue after all?) Gelth-people kill the undertaker/owner of the house. Finally! They did something right! That dude was really getting on my nerves. The Doctor and Rose back into a cell, complete with barred door (what's one of _those_ doing in a morgue?). Last-Time-Lord eventually realises his mistake and admits to Rose that he was wrong, not all aliens should be taken at face value – most of them _are_ out to take over the world or enslave the human race or something equally nasty.

Because this episode has got **_T_**rouble-on-legs in, and he's tried to help, everyone knows they're going to end up nearly getting… you guessed it:

Strangled

Possessed

Gassed

And _then_ blown up.

They only don't because Random-expendable-female-character-who's-the-key finally expends herself. Then, **_after_** she's died, she kills all the evil gas aliens. How, is apparently not going to be explained this episode. Or ever. Which again, is annoying.

But they've been gone a while, so they'd better get back before Rose's mum starts to worry. They hop inside the

'Trouble' And Rose - Death Instead (of) Snogging (_thank you, FireOpal, who came up with this!). _

So they leave and Rose can change out of that rather ridiculous outfit. And our Time Lord might change his jumper… if you're lucky.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, but nearly get blown up in the process. _(A/N Wait a sec, this sounds familiar…)_

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

_Onwards for Aliens of London! _


	4. I'm going to 10 Downing Street!

_(A/N First of the two-parter coming right up!_

_Disclaimer: I'm deprived, I don't own Doctor Who. This means I'm not making a profit from the following document. It was written for pure amusement value only. Doctor Who is © the BBC.)_

_---------_

**4 – I'm going to 10 Downing Street!**

So much for trying to be back before Rose's mum worries. The year. He missed. Did he ever pass a test for this machine? What was it again? The

Terrible At Really Disguising Itself, Sadly. _(Thank you, Crystalkey, who thought of this one!)_.

So he gets questioned by the authorities for 'abducting' Rose. Not that he did much actual abducting. Never mind. **_T_**rouble-on-legs takes responsibility for the year's absence. As well he should, since it was his poor aiming that landed them there. Strangely enough, the policeman asks if they've been sleeping together. What business is that of his? _(At this point, you can practically hear most of the fanfic writers yelling 'YES!' and jumping up and down on their sofas triumphantly.)_ However, all of their excitement is dimmed when both of them violently deny the suggestion.

Don't worry though writers (_A/N Although I personally doubt it)_ maybe they just aren't telling the officer something. Our Time Lord still gets slapped by Jackie though. What? Did she **_want_** them to say 'yes'?

Jackie then gets very annoyed at Rose for not telling her where she's been for the past year. Yeah, can you just imagine it?

'Well, mum, you see, this guy I'm with, he's an alien and he's got this spaceship that also travels in time. It's called the 'Tips (to) Abduct Rose, Definitely Involve Spaceships', or something like that, a TARDIS anyway. So, we've been to the future and the past and it's quite hard to send a letter. We _wanted_ to be back sooner, but he's pretty poor at aiming that thing, so this is the best we could do.'

Yeah, I can really see that working. Rose agrees with me and stays quiet.

Later, on a random unspecified wall which is quite high up, she complains about it to her alien. She's the only person who knows about spaceships and aliens and she can't say anything. Right on cue, a spaceship flies overhead. The BBC's CGI department get some bonus points for this and proceed to show off by flying the ship over the city for a bit before crashing it into Big Ben. Completely ruining the clock tower and costing the department rather a lot of money. Rose is understandably fairly annoyed.

No, just because you go round with a time-hopping alien you can't go backstage on _this_ scene, Rose. Why not? Be_cause_ our Time Lord is a fraidy-cat about getting caught. Never mind, just go watch it on BBC News 24. Or Blue Peter, whichever the kid wants. You can understand the Doctor not doing 'domestic' with that household. So he's off on a 'wander'. Yeah, right. I don't think so. Rose doesn't believe that either.

But anyway, he gives her the slip and goes for his 'wander': i.e., race to the TARDIS controls and head straight for the scene of action. Mickey runs out, yelling for him to stop but our alien doesn't hear him. Although, I reckon he did and went anyway. It'd be the sort of thing he'd do.

With his usual sense of direction (which rivals his sense of timing), **_T_**rouble-on-legs walks directly into a room full of people with guns. They point them at him. Argh! Babe's on the loose! Rabid pig!

**BANG!**

…And they say _I_ overreact…

An unimportant character dies while the BBC spend some more on their CGI aliens and at the same time explain how the Prime Minister is, in fact, evil.

Our Last Surviving Time Lord (and not that for much longer, if he carries on the way he's been going.) runs off with half an answer and scuttles his ship back to where he left, in the hopes that no one's noticed his absence. Fat chance, mate. _And_ you appeared in front of someone who didn't know that you were an alien. Until now, at any rate. Great going. What were you going to do for an encore? Get the army after you, pointing guns and trying to arrest you? … I shouldn't have said that. I _really_ shouldn't have said that.

And Jackie rings up the emergency alien hot line because… he's an alien and she thinks it's an emergency. Fair enough. Oh no! His

'Terrific Attractant foR Dangerous (and) Incredible Situations' _(Again, credit goes to Crystalkey for this, I love it!) _sets off a 'code 9'.

Red Alert! The Doctor's in town! We told you he was trouble! He's dangerous! So the army people point some _more_ guns at him. Sweet move, arresting the only person _(cough alien! cough)_ who can stop the evil dudes.

So they take him away. And the pretty girl standing next to him. Not the dweeb hiding behind the trashcans though.

And then they place this '_dangerous, possibly hostile' _alien in close proximity to the most important people in the country right now. Yeah, smart. Good thing he _is_ a good guy _(alien!) _really. They take him away to plan with. Not the pretty girl though. No, leave her to find the poorly-hidden body. Then attempt to dispose of her using some more cool graphics.

So… what should they do with this Time Lord who's currently figuring out all their plans? Show him what he's up against of course! And then electrocute him for good measure…. Ok, you weren't kidding.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

Summary of the Synopsis: The world's still in danger and they haven't been blown up yet. But don't worry, it's a two-parter. They'll get blown up next episode.

I promise.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

_A/N I'm greedy, I want some more reviews (plus TARDIS acronyms!)_ _I'm going to go fly a plane! (One of my presents was a flying lesson!). I should be back before Saturday!_


	5. You're a very violent girl, you know tha

_Hello again. It's Friday and my current position is crawled underneath a rock in my garden. Not because any of you told me to go there, but because it's comfy. And I **am** writing! See! (It's currently on a piece of paper, coz we don't have enough extension leads for me to re-locate my computer to the garden)._

_To everyone: Here we are with part two of two. Let's hope they blow something up. _

_Mega thanks to **ALL** of my reviewers! And anyone else who's read this story but has been too busy/lazy/shy to review. (I refuse to believe you haven't reviewed for any other reason!)._

_Anyone who clicks on that pretty lavender button that says 'Go' next to the 'Submit review' and says something nice will be given free virtual Easter eggs._

_The following document was inspired by sugar, written while under the influence of sugar (and the Doctor Who episodes) and so will probably be best enjoyed if taken with added sugar._

_Disclaimer: Taidoranaru Greywing (that would be me) has never, does not, and will never (probably) own Doctor Who. Which means the BBC does._

_Also don't own ChittyChittyBangBang, but there you go.)_

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**5 – You're a very violent girl, you know that?**

Where were we? Oh yes, I remember now, electrocuting **_T_**rouble-on-legs.

_'Ah,'_ the Slitheen think, _'that didn't work.'_ And, strangely enough electrifying one Slitheen affects them all. Good thing too, otherwise the Doctor would've been hard-pressed to save Rose and Jackie this time round.

Our Time Lord comes back with army support and realises that most people are more likely to believe their Prime Minister, even if he _is_ an alien in disguise then a random stranger. Who _does_ happen to be an alien. But they don't know that.

Unfortunately for him, the Slitheen want the army people to shoot him. That doesn't happen because he cunningly slipped into a lift right in front of them. Besides, they can't kill him yet, it's only the fifth episode! So…they'll let him escape. Just this once.

In the meantime Rose and the Random-MP-that-our-alien-is-sure-he-knows are playing a nice, friendly game of hide and seek with one of the Slitheen. Friendly…right. Yes, Rose, she's never going to spot you behind that desk. Rose agrees and moved behind the curtain instead. Personally, I don't think that's much better, but there you go.

Was it just me who thought the Slitheen person was doing an impression of the Child-catcher from ChittyChittyBangBang? You know, with the whole: 'Where are you, little human children?'.

Anyway, **_T_**rouble-on-legs comes in and saves the day, or at least two people because that's what he does best. So Random-MP-who-might-actually-be-important's gesture of 'Eat MEE first!' wasn't really necessary. They run off and the Doctor threatens to blow everyone up…with a sonic screwdriver and a flask of vintage wine. He _is_ a pyromaniac isn't he? Next, he demonstrates his amazing knowledge of random facts by…locking them inside a steel room. With only one exit. Which the Slitheen are guarding. That was clever.

Rose wants to use some nuclear warheads to blow the Slitheen up. I think the Time Lord's rubbing off on her.

They're kind of stuck since they can't call for help because you can't get a signal inside a steel room. Aha! They obviously haven't considered the gadget phone that's been jiggery-pokered. They can call the Doctor's friends for help. What's that? He doesn't have any friends that are alive? He needs to get out more! Never mind. They phone Rose's friends, since she has some. Well, her mum and her boyfriend.

Using Last Surviving Time Lord's instructions Mickey-the-idiot hacks into the advert the Slitheen are sending. But they don't know it's an advert yet – he doesn't get to listen to it for very long. 'Come and buy chunks of the Earth,' the advert says. But as I said, they don't get to listen to much of it.

Here it is explained where Rose gets her amazing powers of perception from, when Jackie comes in and exclaims: 'It's the _Thing!_'. Yeah, helpful. Really narrows it down, that does.

Acetic acid. Who keeps acetic acid in their kitchen? Oh, it's vinegar. Why didn't you _say_ so?

So, Slitheen-who's-pretending-to-be-Prime-Minister's third cousin twice removed gets killed. Oh well, no one cares much. Apart from the Slitheen, but they don't count. In revenge, the Slitheen will blow up the world! They were going to do that anyway, but never mind.

Huh. Americans. Take ages to give them the weapons of mass destruction they need to blow up the world.

Meanwhile, Ricky has (on **_T_**rouble-on-legs' instructions) managed to hack into the Royal Navy's website. _(A/N And just why would one single password, with no numbers or symbols in it, be enough to hack into all the military sites? And the Doctor knows said password how?)_. Where he can launch a missile from. Of course. Alien-who's-a-good-guy-really is going to probably die from the missile he's aiming at himself.

Or, if he survives that, from Jackie killing him for Rose being dead. And nobody can stop this previously mentioned missile because… some idiot is tapping at his keyboard.

_'Oh well,'_ the Slitheen think, '_At least **T**rouble-on-legs and the pretty girl are going to get blown up too.'_

And the Slitheen are correct because…they _do_ get blown up. But that's fine because they're all ok.

The Doctor offers Mickey-the-idiot an adventure beyond his wildest dreams. Mickey thinks of his wildest dreams and hastily declines. He lies to Rose and says his… bad knee will prevent him from running fast enough to escape the near-death situations that will occur in forthcoming episodes. And Rose believes him. She did so quickly enough to make me think that she didn't really want him to come. She's happy with just the two of them. So they depart in their 'Technologically Advanced Romantic Den, Is Serviced' _(this one belongs to Avelynn Tame, along with the other six included in the extra-long review. Thank you!)._

They survived. Don't worry though viewers, something life-threatening will happen next episode.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, but _do_ get blown up in the process. _(A/N It's about time, they've had too many near-misses. Luckily, this blowing up wasn't fatal.)_

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

_Hee… getting blown up isn't always fatal. I like that. Next, Dalek!_


	6. Exterminate!

_((A/N Whoo-hoo! It's the return of the Daleks! Well, Dalek singular but there you go._

_Disclaimer: Don't own. Wish I did, but just wishing never got anyone anywhere. Thank the BBC for any and all of the ideas included here.))_

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**6 – Ex-ter-min-ate!**

I told you the (_insert TARDIS acronym here, I'll choose Mei's: _The Accident Revolving, Destruction Inducing Ship) had a radar for trouble. Or, at least distress calls. So they get dragged to the year 2012, Utah. And some people point some _more_ guns at them. Look at the arrogant dude that calls the Dalek his pet. But we don't know it's a Dalek yet. We're about to find out though.

**_T_**rouble-on-legs goes alone into this high-security cell. And gets locked in. Hope he knows what he's doing. Although from his reaction to the Dalek (ok, _now_ we find out that's what it is) I highly doubt it.

Rose and Adam (Random-possibly-expendable-male-character-that-seems-to-have-developed-an-overly-healthy-interest-in-Rose) discuss lumps of metal. Adam also unknowingly calls Rose a nutter, but she decides to ignore that.

Ooooh, our Time Lord's throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get to destroy/ blow up the Dalek. Possibly too much of a tantrum to notice the looks that Arrogant-owns-Internet-dude is giving him. Oh dear, he noticed. I think our alien's expression of 'Uh oh' fully fits the situation.

'Uh oh' was dead right. So, to think about it, was Rose. And here we have Exhibit A – the Doctor.

Rose meets the Dalek, doesn't listen to what anybody's told her and gets burnt. On a side note, she also frees said Dalek, but that was an accident that I don't think 'whoops' entirely covers.

And **_T_**rouble-on-legs uses his psychic mind-control to get Arrogant-owns-Internet-dude to free him. Or just threatens quite well.

Viewers are left to wonder: how exactly he got dressed again so quickly. And, what the point of that 4-minute scene of him in the dungeons was.

Was it: firstly, to show that the Doctor _does_ get into bad situations when people know he's an alien and can generally talk his way out of them.

Secondly, to show newer viewers that he has got two hearts and so _yes_ is an alien.

Thirdly, for all the fanfic writers (and readers) out there who happened to want to see the Doctor with his shirt off.

Or finally, because someone wanted to play a practical joke on Christopher Eccleston – they shot that scene then left him there while everyone else went for a tea break.

But everything's going to be ok now, our Time Lord's on the case. Although, if he has his way, he'll want to blow everything up. Despite the fact that the Dalek's doing well enough without him.

See what happens when you absorb part of Rose? You…go on a killing spree, call **_T_**rouble-on-legs a good Dalek _(A/N He doesn't appear very happy about that.)_, then pretend to kill Rose.

Pretend so well in fact that the Doctor goes all gloomy, depressed-y, angst-y, and 'Argh! Rose is dead!'-y. But then discovers that she isn't. Blithely disregarding everything he said in the first episode about the 'bigger picture', the Time Lord decides to save Rose even if it means putting everyone else in jeopardy. Just so that Jackie won't kill him if he comes back without her.

He then goes off to rescue her, armed with a phaser and expecting to kill it on his own, where 200 army people failed. I suppose he already proved last episode that army people **_are_** useless, so he has a point.

Whatever. He's ready to act all heroic and save her from the…evil…twisted _(and twist**ing**) _…dustbin …armed with a toilet plunger. And a death ray, but that's beside the point.

Our Last Surviving Time Lord's really not needed because the Dalek can blow itself up without any help.

And Rose decides to test just how jealous her alien'll get if she drags a 'pretty boy' along with her. Look! He _is_ all upset! _(A/N The authoress doesn't like Adam). _

Rose pressures him into allowing the 'genius' aboard the 'Tanned Athletic Rose, Doctor Is Staring'. _(My thanks yet again to Avelynn Tame, shipper, who thought of this. **Avelynn:** I gather you were one of the people in the fourth episode who wanted them to say 'yes'?)_

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, but the Dalek gets blown up in the process. And then they gain a new traveling companion, whom the authoress wants to die next episode. Or get blown up.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

_No, I don't like Adam. I wanted the Doctor to put his foot down and not allow him in the TARDIS but I have a feeling that since Rose asked, he doesn't feel like he can say no…_

_Anyway, I'd like some more TARDIS acronyms, if you can think of them._

_REVIEW! _

_Click that pretty purple button... you know you want to...REVIEW!_


	7. My watch must be wrong!

_A/N My apologies to all my fantastic reviewers, as I'm a day late. Can you forgive me? …You'd better!'_

_I did write this on Sunday, but I haven't been able to get near a computer until now. I'll stop grousing and get on with the sugar. I mean, the story…_

_Disclaimer: Yadda yadda, don't own the Doctor, though he's welcome to come and visit at any time, yadda, talk to the BBC, yadda._

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**7 – My watch must be wrong!**

We start this adventure by watching as the 'Time (for) Another Really Disastrous (and) Ill-advised Stop' _(A/N Go MaidM, who lays claim to this one!)_ materialises somewhere that looks suitably futuristic.

The Doctor slips out, gives Rose some dating instructions, then steps back and smirks as Pretty-boy looks completely flabbergasted. Rose follows the instructions exactly, trying to play cool to impress her new 'boyfriend'. It doesn't quite work as planned because her own mouth is trying quite hard to drop open. Our Time Lord casually explains that there are over a million different forms of intelligent life. Pretty-boy-'genius' faints from shock. **_T_**rouble-on-legs' smirk just gets bigger. (I have a feeling that he planned that.)

Rose wants a Krump burger. But we already know that the Doctor's skint? Never mind, he's taken up a side career in bank fraud. Quite stupidly, he lets Pretty-boy-'genius'-in-shock run off with both Rose and a fortune.

But, he's just spotted two other pretty girls he wants to go talk to. Now our alien demonstrates the fact that he _is_ blind and can't see a massive number above his head. He bluffs quickly and says that wasn't what he meant. Using his amazing mental powers (and a blank piece of paper) he gets them to tell him all their deepest secrets… about the station.

But he's being watched. This week's disposable bad guy is quite suspicious. Not about him though…yet. However we don't know that, so he's just slightly creepy. Random-creepy-disposable-bad-guy apologises profoundly to the hidden camera in the ceiling. Surprisingly, the camera talks back. Even more surprising is that Creepy-Editor-dude _understands _the jargon it says.

In the mean time, Pretty-boy-in-shock-and-homesick steals Rose's gadget phone… because he wanted to phone his dog.

They join **_T_**rouble-on-legs, who's persuaded the girls he was talking with to let them join the party. I mean, it's not every day you get to see someone open a window inside their head and absorb the world's knowledge through said hole. Is it?

But their party gets gatecrashed. For once, not by our alien. Someone's being exterminated. I mean, promoted. Nothing dangerous or deadly about that. Of course not. The fact that they're never seen again by friends or family is not even _slightly_ suspicious. They just like their job or something, right? Right?

Last-Time-Lord doesn't agree with me, and after attempting to make Rose jealous by hugging the person they're never going to see again (alive at any rate. But we don't know that yet) he tries to hack into the main computer core by viciously dismantling it. Only because Rose said she was too hot. So he's going to elaborate methods to make her better. I'm sure that what he really wanted was to blow it all up. He only didn't because that would have made it even hotter.

Random-creepy-disposable-bad-guy and his hidden camera in the ceiling deal with Random-Suki-character-who-was-in-fact-a-secret-agent. Or at least, we assume that's what happens, since we don't get to see very well.

Pretty-boy-'genius'-who-I've-decided-is-an-idiot is enquiring where he can pay to get a hole in his head. _I_ know someone who'll do that free of charge… _(cough the Doctor! cough)_. But no, nobody listens to me and so Adam pays, using the Doctor's hard-earned, well probably stolen, money.

**_T_**rouble-on-legs and Rose go into the lift alone _(hmmm…over 350 floors to travel, who know what could've happened in there?)_ holding hands.

Using the gadget phone, Idiot-pretty-boy-whom-no-one-likes prepares to alter history by talking to his dog and zapping himself with information.

Rose and her alien meet Random-creepy-Editor-dude and Dead-expended-Suki. They're told they don't exist. At which point, our Time Lord is quite happy to leave. But gets overpowered by two dead dudes. He really **_is_** pathetic in a fight. After being put in electrocuting manacle-things and meeting the hidden camera, which turns out to be a Jagrafess (upside-down relation to the Nestene Consciousness), it is revealed that they can see into Idiot-pretty-boy's brain. Through that large door installed in his head.

So now they know everything about the Doctor. Although, they can't see into _his_ mind, so don't know about him mind-controlling the random women from earlier (or at least giving her significant looks) into helping them. She goes off and raises the temperature. Which of course makes the place blow up. Yeah, of course (personally, I think things just blow up around the Doctor). Rose then gets a quick lesson in how to use the sonic screwdriver: 'Flick the switch!' and they escape.

Random-creepy-disposable-Editor-bad-guy gets disposed of and 'The Ancient Restroom, Doesn't Include Soap' _(My thanks to Doctor Why, I did use it, coz I like it!)_ leaves so that our alien doesn't have to do any hoovering.

They appear in Pretty-boy's house and **_T_**rouble-on-legs blows up his telephone, since he didn't get to blow much else up this week and feels deprived. They abandon Adam to be dissected (as they should've done originally) then leave.

Evilness knows where, we'll find out next week.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world and the Jagrafess gets blown up in the process. Then they ditch Adam.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

_A/N Yeah! They finally chucked the dweeb overboard! Was it just me who thinks that Adam still has Rose's phone? We saw the Doctor take the TARDIS key back, but the phone? I don't think so._

_Next week's episode looks well cool! I should be back next Mon/Tues with it. No more hectic updating for me now that I've caught up._

_Thoughts on TARDIS acronyms welcome._

_In fact, **ANY** reviews are welcomed._


	8. We're not a couple!

_A/N On with the show!_

_O0O0O0O0O0O0_

_Right, I'm not as happy with this chapter as the others. Not that the episode isn't good. _**That's**_ great, I was just finding it hard to poke fun at…see what you think:_

_Possibly the problem is the fact I'm suffering from sugar withdrawal symptoms…_

_Disclaimer: Do not own Doctor Who, that would be the BBC you're looking for. Hmmm… wonder how much they'll sell for? Three quid? Coz that's all I've got right now, top-up cards using up most of my money._

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**8 – We're not a couple!** _(A/N (snicker) Not yet at any rate!)_

We'll open with a random photo of a random guy. Alright, so maybe he's not that random, because we get a voiceover from Rose explaining that he's her father. _(Thus explaining the title of the episode for everyone who's yet to get it)_.

Cut to a memory of Jackie reminiscing about the 'wonderful, marvelous, brilliant' Pete Tyler…riiiiiight. And, they managed to get one of the sweetest little girls **_ever_** to play little Rose.

Now, inside the 'Terribly Ancient (and) Rickety (when) Deeply In Space' _(compliments for this go to Mousewolf)_ Rose asks her Time genie _('your wish is my command'? What was he thinking?)_ to take her to see her Daddy dying.

For once, our alien gets his destination spot on, and all the viewers keel over in shock (or something). Their entertainment for today is watching someone get hit by a speeding car. Personally, I prefer buses; they make more carnage. Included here is a moment for the shippers: Rose grabbing his hand for emotional (and physical) support.

The Mark I versions of Time-Lord and his plus one watch Petey die. Then Rose wants an action replay. Something that she could only have with her very own time alien.

The Mark II (new and upgraded) versions peer around the corner at themselves. Does it count as stalking if you're watching yourself?

Rose remembers that she's a Good Samaritan and promptly breaks the rules (of time). The Doctor's not happy about that, not happy at all. If looks could kill, it'd be Rose lying on the road.

**SUDDENLY WE HAVE A RED SPOOKY CAMERA ANGLE!** And we just _know_ that trouble is about to happen.

Petey _(I can't exactly call him 'random-something-or-other' since he's been mentioned in a few episodes)_ explains that the milk is in the fridge, but really should be on the windowsill where it belongs.

**_T_**rouble-on-legs proceeds to have a strop because _he_ thinks that Rose stitched him up pretty badly. So he wants the key back off Rose. They have what's known as a

'Lover's Tiff'. Except that they aren't together. One wonders if Rose and the Doctor know that '_There'_ exists?

**SPOOKY RED CAMERA!** Oh no! People are vanishing into the red filtered lens on the camera!

Our Time Lord's still in a mood. But, he nevertheless notices that something's up. It's kind of obvious when the inside of the

Trouble And Rose, Damn It's Scary _(Thank you Jade Kirk, who possibly owns the patent rights to this one!)_ isn't where he left it. It was _supposed_ to be on the inside of that out-of-place telephone box, but it's gone walkies.

Interesting to note that almost his first thought was: ROSE!

(That is, after the whole

'Where the heck has my TARDIS gone?

What the heck am I going to do to get my TARDIS back again?

And,

Why the heck has my TARDIS chosen to disappear now when all I wanted was a banana smoothie?')

Rose receives a message (with her mysteriously reappeared phone) from Sherlock Holmes: 'Watson…come here…I need you…' She assumes it's a wrong number. When her dad almost crashes the car, she very nearly blurts out who she is by yelling:

"DADDY!" Unsurprisingly, she gets noticed.

'Ickle-Baby-Rose starts wailing. Obviously her lung capacity hasn't changed.

**SPOOKY RED CAMERA! **Little Mickey's friends get eaten by the nasty red filter.

Rose thinks that her alien's come back for her. Stupidly, she stands still even when it's quite obvious that he's worked up over something. She stands still while the owner of the red filter and the creepy camera angles reveals itself. The only vaguely productive thing she does is to scream at it. Never mind. She's standing still for a reason:

She _wants_ to get rugby-tackled by the Doctor. Or at least, that's the way it looked to me.

Rose's father gets clever and figures out who exactly Rose is. _(not that she tried all that hard to disguise herself)._ Cue angst-y moment of:

"Rosey!"

"Daddy!"

Pause.

"Since when has my name been 'Rosey?"

"Since when has my name been 'Daddy'?…Uhh…wait a sec…"

O0O0O0O0O0O0

**_T_**rouble-on-legs wishes he was a normal Joe Bloggs and didn't have things blowing up around him all the time. Then remembers that he _likes_ things blowing up and decides to save the world, just like he normally does.

He has a very informative talk with 'Ickle-Baby-Rose, then tells big Rose that her childcare skills are bad and he doesn't want her near the baby.

He also apologises, which is a very rare occurrence. Quick, has anyone got a camera so we can tape this? He has yet another planet-angst moment and then gets Rose to apologise so they're even.

Big Hug! _(This is for Lady Mearle, if she EVER gets round to reading this. She'll know what I mean)_

The key says the TARDIS is alive! Last Time Lord springs into action, quickly removing his jacket.

Oh. That was so that he didn't burn himself. He gives a sermon on how he's so wonderful because he's about to save the world. Egocentric? Slightly! But that's the way we like him.

According to Jackie, the state of her nails is more important than the fate of the world. She may have a point there…

Rose talks to her dad and lies a lot about him not being dead and really does quite poorly at it. She needs lessons in lying to people. It's almost like:

"So, how was I as a father?"

"Ummm… I don't know because you were too dead to be my father." Subtle Rose, ree-al subtle.

The 'Going To Attempt Really Doomed Idiotic Strategy' _(that would be the ghost TARDIS to everyone who's not me) _starts to appear.

Again, Rose does the typical teenager thing of doing exactly the opposite of whatever someone's told her to do. So creates a paradox in the process.

**_T_**rouble-on-legs tells the Random-alien-bacteria-with-the-spooky-red-filter-that-looks-remarkably-like-a-gargoyle that he's the oldest thing in the room.

Everyone gets a strange mental picture of the Doctor using a Zimmer frame. Or a walking stick. Or a wheelchair. Now _that_ would be funny.

He also gets gallant, and goes for the 'EAT MEE FIRST!' approach to adventuring. Which practically guarantees someone's death. To add insult to injury (well, to add insult to fatality actually) they take the ghost of the

'Total And Responsible (for) Destruction In Space' _(This one belongs to fobofish92, who went so far as to give me FOUR different reviews on the last chapter! Thanks!)_ with them.

Rose has yet another angst moment, this episode seems full of them. Petey gets clever, decides to follow the trend and sacrifice himself. Rose goes even more tearful (for who though?).

Now that the timeline's sorted itself back out all of the bacteria get wiped out. And the Doctor reappears, without even mentioning the brief spell he's been dead for. I wonder if he even knows about it.

Rose runs over to (tearfully) watch her dad die. She changes history doing so, but our alien does that all the time, so it's no biggie.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, and nearly exterminate the human race in the process. They **_fail_** to save Rose's father.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

_Hmmm, no. Not as good. I know why! They didn't blow anything up!_

_The Empty Child (next week's) looks good! Rose appears to acquire another 'boyfriend'. Next week then. Until that time, Sayonara!_

_REVIEW!_


	9. Muuuummeeeee!

Well, well, did you miss me! I'm back with a vengeance. And sugar. Someone's been feeding me neat sugar cubes (the type you put in tea or coffee) so I'm HIGH!

_To everyone: If anyone's spotted a reference to 'Bad Wolf' in this episode ('The Empty Child'), please tell me! I've caught them in the other episodes but not this one. Even if it is **BLATENTLY OBVIOUS** please point it out, coz in these matters I can be blinder then the Doctor._

_Discliamer: I don't own Doctor Who, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean or The Ring. Heck, I don't even own this computer I'm typing at. Go see the relevant authorities, not me._

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**9 – Muuuum-meeeee!**

Rose's alien is showing off to her by demonstrating the cool moves of the

'Terribly And Randomly Disguised Interstellar Ship' _(credit goes to Bluepod, who thought of this)_. He's chasing a lump of useless space junk. But nobody knows that's what it is. At this point anyway. When Rose comments on the mauve fashion, he tells her that red was _so_ last century and that mauve is the new red. Bits of the

'Taking Action Right Doesn't (happen) In (this) Show' _(Thanks to Aura Starfire, who's dead right, because nothing happens the way it's supposed to if the Doctor or Rose takes a hand!)_ blow up around our alien. But he doesn't seem to care because it's 'absolutely' safe. Yeah, whatever.

When they finally materialise in a random dingy alley, they're about a month behind. Despite Rose's urging, **_T_**rouble-on-legs refuses to do a 'Spock' and scan for alien tech. _(Possibly because he doesn't want more comments on the state of his ears)._ He's off to ask people the old-fashioned way, only pausing to comment on Rose's abysmal choice of clothing. And I must say, I agree with him.

She's so annoyed at the pair of us that she decides not to follow him. Instead, she spots a sinister-looking kid standing suspiciously outlined on top of a really tall building. Not giving any thought to the fact that this could be a set-up, she climbs up to try and help.

Of course you trust your entire weight to a rope that randomly dropped down _just_ when you needed it. Without even checking what it's attached to. Well, I suppose this _is_ Rose we're talking, so ok. She gets an aerial view of London being blown up.

Meanwhile, our Time Lord's being a stand-up comedian. Unintentionally.

_Now_ Rose remembers why she shouldn't wander off alone. She realises she's up a balloon without a ladder and starts yelling 'Doctooooor!'. Even if he _could_ hear her, what exactly is he supposed to do to help? So, she falls.

Not however, to her doom because Random-time-criminal-who-tricked-them-into-coming-here has a handy tractor beam to save her.

At this point **_T_**rouble-on-legs is confiding all his troubles to a cat. Then is very perplexed when his

'Terrific At Rose-Distracting, It Seems' _(This belongs to fobofish92, thanks loads!)_ starts ringing. He doesn't know what to do, it doesn't say anything about 'ringing' in the instruction manual. He even asks the phone what he's supposed to do with it. Unsurprisingly, the phone doesn't respond. What do you normally do with a ringing phone? Answer it.

Apparently not, according to the Random-plot-related-woman-who's-very-good-at-vanishing-acts.

Rose finds herself in the arms of a dashing young captain in a spaceship. She faints. Possibly she was expecting to be rescued by _her_ alien.

Nah, he's too busy trailing Random-plot-related-vanishing-woman-who-appears-to-be-a-thief. She's raiding a house for food (and sugar. Something I heartily approve of.). Last Time Lord cunningly slips in with the children so that he gets fed. _(He made me **jump** the first time I watched this!)_. But he's greedy, so doesn't get to eat much. They get interrupted by… dun, dun, duuurn!

Baby Darth Vader! Well, he has got the breathing-mask thing. This point also reminded me of 'The Ring'. Y'know the bit, where both the Doctor and Nancy stare suspiciously at the ringing phone and neither of them want to answer it.

Random-important-thieving-vanishing-woman-who's-called-Nancy does the intelligent thing and vanishes. The Doctor does his usual 'the alien is innocent, just misunderstood and confused' act and opens the door. Lucky for him, there's nothing out there.

Rose gets drunk while standing in mid-air next to Big Ben with Captain Jack Sparrow. I mean Harkness. Who's waiting for the opportune moment _(I'll leave you to decide what for.)._

**_T_**rouble-on-legs follows his nose (for trouble) and gets told that he ought to see the Doctor. The audience is understandably confused by this. So is he, for that matter.

Rose gets lied to quite a bit in the process of getting drunk and finds out that Jack Sparrow (as I'm going to be calling him) is a professional when it comes to 'Spock' matters. He agrees to find Trouble. By this, he means Rose's alien, who will probably be _in_ trouble.

Actually, he's just forced entry to the same place that Babe was taken to in episode four. It's dark, spooky and quite obviously the place he's going to get attacked. All of the beds have Baby Darth Vader-clones in. But they're dead. In fact, they're not, but we don't know that yet. Our Time Lord talks to the doctor, who isn't anyone special, just someone the BBC can spend a lot of graphics on to scare the kids at home and give this episode its 'five' rating.

The Doctor-doctor (i.e., **_T_**rouble) meets the person I'm going to call Jack Sparrow, who insults the leather jacket. He also explains just how badly he's stitched them up. However, before Jack Sparrow can run off, all the Baby Vaders come to life. And they all get boxed in and trapped.

You could see this cliffhanger coming a mile off, but there it is.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Summary of the Synopsis: The world may not be in danger, but _they_ certainly are. London just happens to be in the process of blowing up around them.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

_Don't despair, it looks like they get blown up next week. Well, something gets blown up at any rate. I don't really like the Jack-person at all, but I suppose he's better then Adam. Although, that's not exactly hard, a dead gerbil could be better then Adam._

_I'll have to apologise for the Darth Vader references, I'll blame it on the fact I went to see Episode III on Sunday and I couldn't get it out of my head._

_And the resolution to the cliffhanger will be next week. Titled (much to my amusement) 'The Doctor Dances'. Presumably because he does. I can't wait!_

_If any one has any contributions to the_

'_TARDIS Acronym Really Distracting Intent Survey' (as dubbed by me, coz it's an acronym itself)._

_I'd really like to hear/read them._

_REVIEW!_


	10. I like bananas, Bananas are good

Sorry, this would've been posted Monday, but the site wasn't letting me log in for some unexplained reason. It's late, but it's here.

_O0O0O0O0O0O0_

_When I wrote this chapter I was_

_On sugar_

_High_

_So, if you combine them, you get the fact that I was _

_ab) On sugar-high_

Disclaimer: What's that you say? Would I like to step inside the TARDIS? Of course! What? Oh, you're having me on. You own Doctor Who as much as I do, which I don't. At all. So stop giving me strange looks. The BBC does own the wonderful idea that is the Doctor, and I'm not the BBC. Don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or Star Wars, but I said those last chapter as well. Finally, I don't own Harry potter either.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**10 – I like bananas. Bananas are good.**

We open with the cliffhanger that's been annoying me all week. **_T_**rouble-on-legs gets out of this one by pretending to be a really angry parent. I thought he said he didn't do 'domestic'? After inadvertently saving Random-important-thief-called-Nancy, our Time Lord has a yell at Jack Sparrow for forcing him to try and save the world…again. He stalks off to find Baby Vader's inner sanctum, where the child first turned to the Dark Side…ahem.

There is a brief cut-scene explaining that Nancy's been caught thieving. Which will do wonders for her reputation. Not. Random-Nancy does some intimidating (also known as blackmailing) and asks for some military spy-ware. Then reconsiders and demands some extra sugar _(personally, I would've asked for the sugar **first**, but that's me)_.

Proving the point that he is psychic, the Doctor stealthily snaffles Jack Sparrow's blaster. At the same time he explains the joys of blowing things up. The title character reveals that he's not only a time-hopping alien, he's a psychometrist _(A/N real word for the study of how emotions and feelings can be stored in stone, wood and various other substances. Apparently, this creates a vibration that certain people can feel and read. Really. I'm not making this up!)_ as well and the walls speak to him. He gets annoyed at Rose and Jack Sparrow because they can't hear what the wall is telling him.

I mean, how did our alien know that Jack was going to try and vaporise Baby Vader? He knew far enough in advance to switch the gun. Or, it was pure blind luck and his sense of the mischievous. Personally, I'm going for the 'he knows what's about to happen' scenario.

They escape through the wall and keep the banana. Why? A banana can be a very dangerous weapon in the right hands. Very hard to get the stains out of clothes. Jack Sparrow is disdainful of the sonic screwdriver. Rose gets so annoyed at the pair of them that she drops them 4 metres through the floor.

Nancy delivers her latest package of sugar, proves that the kids own a possessed typewriter and leaves without a full explanation.

Rose explains what I've known all along, that Last Surviving Time Lord introduces himself by blowing something up. Imagine if that _was_ a form of communication… If someone was trying to make a speech you'd need to evacuate an entire city…

They aren't running for their lives at the moment so Jack Sparrow disappears in a puff of boredom. He contacts **_T_**rouble-on-legs and Rose via a broken, un-plugged in radio. He assures them that he'll rescue them if they'll just hang on a bit. That's alright then.

Last Time Lord doesn't agree with me because he doesn't trust Sparrow. Why not? The guy's a self-proclaimed criminal, is responsible for dragging them here in the first place, has insulted both of their clothes, has gotten Rose drunk, was prepared to shoot a child, dissed the sonic screwdriver and finally, he's buggered off in a moment of crisis. Ok, so maybe the Doctor has a point, he's not to be trusted.

And then we get the military spy in action. She stealthily creeps to the barbed wire, and surreptitiously cuts a bit so she can get through. She sneaks to the space junk… and gets caught. Way to be unnoticed! That _was_ subtle.

For one reason or another, Rose gets her alien to attempt dancing. But it's been so long since he went to school, he's forgotten how to. So Rose gets some bruised toes and she's so busy concentrating on how close she is to her friendly Time Lord that she doesn't notice randomly appearing back on Jack Sparrow's ship. The 'captain' explains that he's not really a bad guy, or at least he doesn't think he is. The problem is that he has a large hole in his memory, so he doesn't actually _know_.

Jack Sparrow prepares to sacrifice his life, well ok, his dignity in order to distract the guard. It's pretty pointless really, as the guard now has the mentality of a four-year-old with a head injury. **_T_**rouble-on-legs tries to turn Rose off Jack by saying that there's a high probability that he's gay.

Minor distraction while Nancy gets rescued. Did this remind anyone else of Harry Potter? The whole 'don't stop singing, he'll wake up!' remind people of a certain massive, three-headed dog?

Rose assures Nancy that it's not the end of the world. She should know, as _that's_ in roughly 5 billion years' time.

As usual our Time Lord's realised what the problem is a while ago, he just waits for the people around him to twig so they understand why he's calling them an idiot.

He takes slightly longer figuring the solution out, but still does that before any of the others. **_T_**rouble-on-legs uses his amazing mind-control on Jack Sparrow and tells him to come back later to save them.

The Doctor talks to the pretty fireflies, telling them that if they do this, he'll give them a nice reprogramming later. He also talks to the omniscient author, asking to have things go his way, just this once. _(A/N Yeah, he does seem to be talking to everything (walls, glowing specks of light, the random air) in this episode.)_

Obedient to the mind-control, Jack Sparrow comes back and (flashily) saves them from the bomb. Just to get in her good books, her tells Rose he likes the ridiculous Union Jack top. I think he's lying.

Our alien's overjoyed because, for once, he got to blow things up and no one died. Although why that's such a good thing when they're around to sue for damages I _don't _know. A random woman points out that she now has more legs then she did before. And she's complaining why?

Rose and her alien blow up the ambulance, then leave in the

'Treat All Rose (and) Doctor Implications Seriously' _(this one's from Uh.yeah, who's just joined the TARDIS challenge. Thank you!)_.

We cut to Captain Jack realising that it's a bad idea to be made into a mind-servant of **_T_**rouble-on-legs, as there's a high chance of being blown up. He decides that getting drunk is his best option. He may have a point since it's worked before. Not to worry though, he gets rescued by the

'Torturous Accessories Ruin Doctor's Incredible Schemes' _(Erulasse gets all the credit for this one. One of four I got. Thanks!)_.

The Doctor finally remembers how to dance. It's only taken him most of an episode.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world from being zombie-fied and Jack Spa-ok, Harkness from being blown up. However, Jack's ship, the Tula ambulance, some of the hospital and more parts of London get blown up in the process.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

There you have it. He dances. Next week, we have the return of the Slitheen. It's got to be reasonably present-day ish because we have Mickey looking the same as usual.

_I reckon it's a 'Let's go back and reassure Jackie that Rose is still alive and the Doctor hasn't managed to get her killed._

…

…

_Yet.'_

_REVIEW! And Bad Wolf info plus TARDIS acro-thingys (thanks Mei) wanted!_


	11. God help me, I've gone local

_(A/N I know, I know, it's late. The only thing I can say is… no, that'll just be making excuses so I won't. I am sorry though and I have a longer-then-normal chapter here._

_Umm... it's seven in the morning and two in the afternoon, making a grand total of nine in the evening. No Doctors were harmed in the making of this chapter. Plenty of sugar, but no Doctors._

_Disclaimer: HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING WHAT I'VE PUT FOR THE LAST…. (pauses and counts on fingers) TEN (eleven with this one) CHAPTERS! Fine! I'll say it again! Lil' poor sod me (that would be Tai) don't own Doctor Who. BBC does._

_In fact, a list of things I don't own but might come up in this chapter:_

_Cluedo, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Famous Five, Scooby Doo (or Mystery Inc.), Noddy, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Mickey Mouse (in case he might be offended by sharing the same name as Mickey), Star Wars, Frankenstein, Blob monsters, Harry Potter (no, wait, I don't think I mention that one), Any flashing brake lights that might be offended, Supercalifragalisticexpealidocious. Or Lord of the Rings)_

**11 – God help me, I've gone local**

The scene – an evil office of plotting-ness. The characters – a rather worried-looking scientist, whose attitude practically screams 'Innocent victim!'. And someone who seems remarkably familiar. Especially if you watched the 'previously on Dr. Who'. While all the viewers resign themselves to the scientist's inevitable death, he explains that it's almost as if someone _wants_ a disaster to happen and kill lots of people. Regular viewers (and anyone else capable of figuring out this oh-so-obvious plot twist) slap themselves in the head. Well, DUH!

And of course the dude doesn't turn round when she's unmasking her deadly weapon…herself!

I accuse Miss. Random I'm-sure-we've-seen-her-somewhere-before Slitheen-in-disguise in the Mayor's office with …her claws. Can you disprove it, Colonel Mustard?

So, why's Random-boyfriend-I-thought-we'd-forgotten-or-at-least-agreed-not-to-mention aka Mickey getting off a train in… somewhere where the signs aren't in English as their first language? That's easy enough to answer: he's come to find a certain blue box called

'The Amazing Revolt (of the) Daleks Is Soon' _(My thanks to Cloudhaven94. There you go, I used it. Daleks next week!)_.

Although I bet Ricky wasn't expecting the door to be opened by Sparrow. For some un-explained reason, **_T_**rouble-on-legs has a flashing brake light attached to his head. Really, why? No one takes any notice of it though. So, if he's Big Ears, does that make Jack Noddy?

Since when has the '(while) Torturing Adam, Rose Demonstrates Immense Satisfaction' _(Only one thing to say: I wish. Thank you for the acronym and the sentiment from Interstella)_ ever needed to stop off and 're-fuel'? I think the script-writers needed an excuse to put them in modern-ish day Cardiff without the TARDIS having another of its 'moments'. ANYway.

The three of them demonstrate that they're in training to be cheerleaders. Mickey shakes his head in disgust and for once, I might agree with him.

We finally find out that this place has a name and that it's Cardiff. 'Safest place to be'. Yeah, right. Why don't I believe him? Because I know him too well.

Just to prove him wrong (and me right), we cut to our villain-ess of the week saying 'nuclear power-station' and 'heart of Cardiff' in the same sentence. Yup, safest place to be, couldn't agree with you more…cough. But everyone applauds. I have a suspicion that if she had said:

'I'm about to blow up the planet. The power station's designed to go into meltdown and create a massive explosion, incidentally killing lots of innocent people and I'm going to ride it out on a surfboard. Oh, and did I mention that I'm an alien?' in the right tone of voice they would still have applauded. No, she's allergic to photos! She's MELTING! Or not.

And she takes away some smart-ass journalist (who also gives off a certain air of 'Sacrificial Victim'). Off to the toilets, where she can un-zip in private _(A/N That sounded bad, but you know what I mean)_. The alien (not _our_ alien) has an angst-type moment for all the family that the Doctor blew up and astonishingly _doesn't_ kill the person about to expose her evil plans. Viewers are left to wonder if the villain-ess is feeling ill, since she let a potential problem escape.

This is depressing, let's have something lighter, like story-time at a random café. Noddy aka Sparrow is telling a funny story that Ricky seems to know the punch line to. Anyone going to explain that to me? _(Please bear in mind that Tai's a bit slow)_. Our Time Lord's on the hunt for trouble and nicks Random-guy-played-by-an-extra-who's-only-purpose-in-that-scene-was-so-the-Doctor-could-steal-his-paper's newspaper (snaffled it _(yes Ferntree, snaffled)_ from right under his nose and he didn't complain!). Using his amazing alien intuitive powers and his 'fan_tas_tic' alien mind, the Doctor calculates what's most likely to happen next.

Result: An expression that says: **We're screwed**.

So, junior detectives 2005 (or is it 2006? What year would it be?) go to investigate. It's a classic formula: 2 guys, 2 gals and a dog (Famous Five, Mystery Inc.). Ok, so there's three guys, but Jack's 50/50. And there isn't a dog (will a TARDIS do?). But anyway, no difference. If there's any chaos to be had, **_T_**rouble-on-legs wants to be in there and directing it. After proving that in actual fact he _does_ own a mobile (much to my amazement), our alien goes to annoy Mayor Margaret Blaine.

He only has to say his _name_ and people start jumping out of windows. Although, in most cases, people would be jumping out of windows _to_ him rather then away from him. Barging past the Random-secretary-dude, Big Ears jumps out of the window in hot pursuit. He realises that secretary-person will slow him down, so calls for back-up on the mobile-phone-that-until-today-we-were-unaware-that-he-owned. However, all of his back-up run into problems (in Ricky's case literally).

Rose uses her running-through-crowds-while-running-for-my-life skills to barge past some extras. Jack does a flashy hurdle over a random trolley, whose only point in the show is to be hurdled over. And Ricky? Runs straight into someone.

Anyhow, they converge. And after some yelling at Mickey-the-idiot and some fun with the sonic screwdriver all five of them return to the site of the conference.

Last Time Lord's not fooled by the power plant, he knows it's evil. Sparrow explains that if it melted, the entire planet would …

Make a noise like a milkshake being drunk with a straw? Maybe he means that it would be sucked up a straw? Maybe not. Our alien flips over the pan-dimensional gargle blaster (an upgraded version of the pan-galactic one), I mean surfboard and gives it to Noddy as his new toy.

'I would've gotten away with it!' says Margaret. And you can just hear how much the writers wanted to turn that line into: 'I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb dog! I mean, TARDIS!'

The Doctor understands all languages, so gets that Blaidd Drwg (although it's Welsh, so pronounced more like 'Blythe Droog') means Bad Wolf. Oh no, the words are following them! What the heck does **that** mean? Haunting music is played in the background as our Time Lord assumes a troubled expression. You can tell he's been rehearsing that one in the mirror. Where _does_ that music come from? It's like their own invisible orchestra.

Margaret completely kills the mood of Rose pronouncing her home planet right by dwelling on her imminent death.

Later in the 'Trouble-on-legs And Rose Dance In Space' _(Thank you Tulzdavampslayer and your many reviews, simply fantastic!)_ she has a conversion, falls down on her knees and prays: 'Hail the great god that is the Doctor! Worship He who owns the TARDIS!' and generally tries to appear harmless. So harmless that she shouldn't be going to die. Beware of the vicious guilt-attack! Rose and Ricky can't take any more of being brutally assaulted (by guilt) so run off.

If _you_ were about to be taken back to your home and executed, of course you'd want a foreign meal out with your captor. Yeah, right. Of course not, you'd be trying to escape! _(Although, if your captor was the Doctor, maybe not)_. So they're totally not going to buy that one, right? Err…wrong. Using some pretty bracelets, **_T_**rouble-on-legs takes Margaret Blaine _(cough Slitheen! cough) _out to tea. This is NOT a date!

Although, if you look at it, there are three 'couples' at this point: Rose & Ricky, Slitheen & **_T_**rouble and Noddy & the TARDIS. Now, who do you feel the most sorry for out of the six? Personally, I'd say the Doctor.

Once inside the restaurant, our alien proves to us that he's perfectly aware his captive's trying to get away. To do that, she has to dispose of him first. But he's not that easy to 'dispose' of, as countless weekly villains have found out to their cost.

When she tries the oldest trick in the book of 'quick distraction and poison in the wine' he knows because he's got eyes in the back of his head. Or, as I keep trying to point out, is psychic and can read her mind. Next, he shows he's got Jedi reflexes and you can never underestimate the power of minty breath-freshener.

Rose reminisces. Ricky tells her that he's two-timing and she doesn't take it too badly…at first.

Now back to some nice dinner conversation. Or not. The topic is: how gorily can she describe her forth-coming death back on Raxi- _(I'll stop there)_. Once Blonfellfotch aka Slitheen-dudess has exhausted the possibilities of running, arguing, guilt-attacking, poisoning, normal attacking and horrifying Big Ears into letting her go, she tries begging (coupled with a bit of insulting). He's not even listening; because he can he's needed to save the world.

Again.

The BBC _do_ like their CGI, don't they? The world is being sucked up an intergalactic straw and guess what's slap-bang in the middle of it?

The 'Terrible And Resentful Device, It's Stubborn' _(Thanks loads fobofish92! I know you've given me a few and I do try and put them in!)_.

Rose makes good her escape from Ricky and runs across a nastily CGI-ed street to the blue box.

Where she promptly gets strangled. Now, if only I could remove my arm with that effect, teachers'd never bully me again!

As all evil villains do, Blonfellfotch reveals her evil, master plan of world domination/destruction (delete as appropriate) _before_ it's fully implemented. I tell you, the urge to stop and gloat has been the downfall of so many evil baddies it's unbelievable. One thing: when I take over the world, I will NOT monologue.

**_T_**rouble-on-legs decides to stop this with a little help from something he's getting quite possessive over. (_I nearly expected him to say: My Presssssious!)_.

**_HIS_** 'Thinks A Red Dalek Is Scary' _(thanks Jade Kirk, I appreciate them!)_. Using it, he hypnotises Margaret.

'Look into the light… you know you want to.'

'It's sooo be-you-tiful!'

She collapses and to save the world from the rift, they go into complete shutdown. Hah! She's an (Easter) egg! Strangely enough, they all say this about twice each before they get over their amusement.

Naturally, Sparrow and Rose pester the Time Lord to find out what the light was. He says something along the lines of:

'It's aliiiiiiive! BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!' Err..no, more poetic-y, like:

'The soul of the TARDIS,'. Which is actually Gallifreyen for:

'I haven't the froggiest idea.'

Mickey's run off. Nobody could care less, especially not me. Off they go to Rrrrr-

Raxxx-

Raxii-

Raxicore- Oh dear.

Raxikoracofallapatorius. Or at least, that's what I think it is.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, but parts of both Cardiff and the TARDIS get blown up in the process.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

_Fine, done._

_Next week we may find out what the heck is up with all the 'Bad Wolf' references._

_Next time: The Doctor is called to the Diary Room, Rose **is** the Weakest Link, Jack gets a make-over and…_

_The Daleks want to join in._

_Now, I will put the Doctor's master class on hypnotism to good use. You will look deeply into the computer screen, you will move your mouse, click on the button marked 'Go!' and you WILL give me a nice review!_

_(Does puppy eyes) Won't you?_


	12. Defabricator, does exactly what it says

_This would've been up yesterday were it not for my 'dear, darling' parents monopolising the computers. My second-to-last chapter! Even sugar cannot help me overcome my loss (and believe me; if it could, I've had enough of it to cure me completely). I suppose I'd better start._

_Disclaimer: As the person who **does** own Doctor Who must be_

_Extremely talented_

_Extremely lucky_

_Extremely rich_

We can safely assume that isn't me as I only qualify for one of the above (and I'll give you a hint, it isn't the 'rich' one.)

Any other references to things I clearly don't own, I don't own. Ok?

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O

**12 – Defabricator. Does exactly what it says on the tin.**

-Flashback- Yawn, episode 7. Satellite 5, snore. Editor, Jagrafess of the –yawn- holy hand of Jassikmaxiraggafoe. It all blows up –zzzzz-. We've seen all this before, snore. –End flashback-

It's **T**rouble-on-legs, unconscious in a small box. Viewers come to the conclusion that he's, to put it politely, in at the deep end again. In other words, a normal day. (Some viewers develop the wish that the small room containing a certain Doctor belongs to them – for you Tulz!). Big Ears quickly wakes up and we get the impression that he hasn't the slightest idea why he's just woken up in this really small room.

Never mind, he soon finds and opens the door by the wonderful method of hitting things until something happens. As soon as it's open he's got nothing to lean against, so collapses, full-length. He looks like he's had too much to drink.

Random-dead-sweet-extra-female-character-who-we'll-find-out-is-very-protective-of-her-'y' tries to help our poor alien up, but he crumples again. Definitely drunk. Or drugged.

Honestly, he can't even remember his own name. Must've been one hell of a party. He takes a look around at the Big Brother house. Viewers who have not been privileged enough to watch the teaser for this episode think 'WTF?'. Judging by expression; that thought is currently running through the Doctor's mind too. He staggers off to the Diary Room and never find out what else he says to his millions of fans.

Cut to Rose with a hangover. Or maybe just the same problem her alien's got. After the usual questions of How, Why and Where (How did I get here? Why am I here? and Where has the Doctor got to when he's supposed to be saving me from the life-threatening situation I'm about to be forced into?) Rose gets up to play the Weakest Link.

Viewers who were unfortunate enough to miss the teaser find that they're having difficulties picking their jaws up off the floor. (Those who have seen it take a moment to snicker at the Anne-droid). Rose herself can't stop laughing. I think the Transmat scrambled her brain in more ways then one.

Someone else thinks it's strange that she's cracking up so badly. In a scary parody of episode 7 (the one in the flashback), a dude leans over the operators and tells himself how wrong it is. But Random-tubes-attached-women (who makes me think of Minority Report, the future-seeing woman) doesn't think it's at all out of the ordinary. Or she's hiding something. In archive 6.

The third member of their jeopardy-friendly travelling trio wakes up on something that looks suspiciously like an operating table. Noddy immediately begins flirting with Trin-E and Zu-zana. Is there no limit to this guy? They're ROBOTS!

Amnesia-stricken Time Lord gets his memory back in a blinding flash of the obvious. (Argh! Can't see!). He remembers! What? Not a lot to be honest: A normal day, hopping around the universe in

'The Alive Rose (and) Doctor Interstellar Spaceship' (This acronym was thought of by Interstella, thank you!) then, all of a sudden, this white light comes outta nowhere and BAM! He wakes up here.

Our Time Lord is very annoyed that his fix-all gadget (aka the sonic screwdriver) can't get him out of this situation. Or can't it? But not in the 'opening doors' sense it usually does.

This fantastic idea was brought to you by watching someone get disintegrated. Classic entertainment. 'Cept that she's not actually been disintegrated. But no one knows that yet. In fact, it looks so much fun that **T**rouble-on-legs wants to try getting blasted into atoms for himself.

But he's to be sadly disappointed when he gets a chance to escape instead of being blown up. He's lonely because neither Sparrow or Rose are with him, so asks Random-dead-sweet-possible-new-companion-called-'Lynda-with-a-y' to come with him.

Random-dude-who-reminds-me-of-the-Editor realises how apt the Doctor's name (or job description) of **T**rouble-on-legs is. Minority Report Controller Woman ignores him in the hopes he'll leave her alone.

Back to Jack (hee, rhymes), who's being threatened by a few chainsaws. Couldn't the writers think of anything more modern?

…-…he keeps that weapon there **all the time**?…Ouch.

Now it's Rose, who's losing spectacularly. Or, at least she would be if they weren't voting 'tactically'. But she's a bit distracted by the whole 'Bad Wolf' thing. It keeps cropping up in all the episodes.

Back to the characters: Big Ears is a bit narked that he can't crash the other Big Brother houses so goes and has an angst moment over a planet. No, not the one you might think- he's decided that he's responsible for the Earth turning into a smog cloud.

His depression is cut short by the arrival of Captain Noddy, who helps him fix the computer with the oh-so-delicate touch (where's my 50 lb sledgehammer when I need it?) in order to find Rose.

Rose isn't actually doing too badly. But then again, she's not exactly hunky-dory either. Points in favour: she's not dead and she's made it to the final round. Points against her situation: she hasn't got a clue about most of the questions and she hasn't got help any more.

She's in a small dilemma.

Lucky for her; Sparrow, her alien and Lynda-with-a-y are on their way.

After about 6 clips flashing between the two groups, during which Last Time Lord yells at the lift and Rose is declared to be scheduled for termination, the Doctor finally gets into the right room.

Rose is saved and doesn't have to try dying this episode. Or, at least, that's what she thinks.

Everyone is altogether quite shocked at the sight of Rose being reduced to a pile of ash (I know I was). Don't worry, she's not really dead. But no one knows that yet.

Especially not her Gallifreyan, who's going even more disheartened and out of it then the last time he thought she'd snuffed it. He doesn't even really care that he's being hauled off by the police. Interrogated, searched, and mug shots taken. All with an aura of: 'I don't care coz Rose is dead.'

Just a minor point: when they wave the sonic screwdriver at him, saying 'If you could tell us the purpose of this device?' he's hardly likely to turn round and say:

'That would be my ultimate spy-gadget, not only can it function as a weapon, it makes a pretty blue light, can replicate food, works as an alternative to a hairbrush-microphone and has a fully-functional full-sized armed getaway car hidden in the bottom. Most importantly, it dry-cleans my jacket. I never go anywhere without it.' No, definitely not with the mood he's in.

They make a pitifully easy jailbreak and **T**rouble-on-legs thinks he's had a decided shortage of blowing things up, so takes the massive bazooka-like gun.

Up to the top floor, threaten some people, give them the gun he was threatening with (that was clever) and poke the computer a bit.

But what's Noddy found? It's only

'The Angsty (and) Rude Davros Isn't Stupid' (Isn't he? This one belongs to Cloudhaven94. You will review now, won't you?). And, what's more, the

'Tonight All Raunchy Dancing Is Skipped' (why? ---- In answer to the acronym. Thank you Tulzdavampslayer) anyway, the TARDIS has been clever. Big Ears isn't pleased though. Doubly not when Jack disintegrates Lynda-with-a-y to prove his point. He cheers up considerably when Sparrow brings her back and points out that Rose isn't really dead, she's just pretending again. After Random-Minority-Report-tubes-attached-woman gives them the co-ordinates of a random patch of empty space (I could've done that!) she disappears too. Is this everyone's latest hobby?

The empty patch of space wasn't really empty, there's a fleet of cloaked ships hiding there. And if the Doctor's expression last week said: **We're screwed,** this week's says: **I totally f—ked this one up, didn't I?**

Anyway, open hailing frequencies, or as the Daleks put it: 'comm-u-ni-ca-tions'.

Our Time Lord states that he's going to be a hero. Destroy the bad guys and save the damsel-in-distress. How? The Daleks haven't the faintest idea. Slightly worryingly, neither does he.

But he succeeds in looking confident, heroic and dashing. Enough so to prompt the Daleks to begin 'aggressive negotiations'.

Viewers get more then slightly worried at the sheer number of Daleks that join in their national anthem. I think you know how it goes, all together now!

Ex-ter-min-ate!

Ex-ter-min-ate!

O0O0O0O0O0

Summary of the Synopsis: Having escaped from the clutches of the Big Brother house, the Doctor might think he's due a break. But no, after blowing up a camera he realises he's got bigger problems. Ones that will get him killed.

O0O0O0O0O0

I'm sorry, but I couldn't bring myself to be flippant at the end. Only one more chapter/episode! NOOOOO! I don't want it to end!

Please don't desert me now, not when I'm in need of emotional support.

Review! As many TARDIS acronyms as possible, since it's the last time I'll be able to mention them. Come on, I'll try and mention at least 10 if you give me them!

Next time (sniff): he –gulp- dies, someone has been helping the Daleks, and it is shown how totally ill adapted the TARDIS' shape is for space battles.

**A/N The thirteenth chapter is, as yet, not written. So…it may be quite some time before it gets posted. It's about a sixth complete, but I'm having problems with it so we'll just have to see…yeah, please review?**


	13. See you in Hell!

**_The lady Tai Greywing has pleaded loss of sugar to the lack of synopsis for the ninth Doctor's final hour, and so ladles, and jellyspoons, it falls to me, Mousewolf, humble reviewer, and minor fic-writer to this fine fandom. I'm probably quite as mad as Tai, and since I have likely more of a tendency to babble, this may be slightly more long-winded and probably less funny (it is a fairly serious episode, you know) than the others…anyway, let's get on with it, shall we? _**

**_And, oh yeah, I don't own the BBC, Chris Eccleston, or anyone or anything mentioned in this traversty – I mean, parody… _**

_(All author's notes are from Mousewolf unless they specifically say otherwise!)_

'**See you in hell.'**

_('You were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.')_

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…I forgot which fandom I was meant to be writing in.

Moving swiftly on…

The Daleks are about to invade planet earth (_A/N: why always Earth? Have all the aliens on this show got a monkey fetish, or something? They should go bother some other race, and **T**rouble can go save a pretty and sparkly race with big teeth and claws…sorry. Personal fantasy – just ignore me_), and Rose is in their hands. Suckers. Laser-guns. Grasp, at any rate. But never fear, fearless viewers! **_T_**rouble-on-legs has just told the Daleks 'I'm the doctor. Run for your life!' actually, he said nothing of the sort. (_A/N: in this episode, at least. What goes around comes around…_)

So the Daleks get really scared and angry and try to bully our Miss Tyler into telling them what he's up to. And she doesn't know. Who does these days? Just when Rose is about to tell them where precisely they can shove it, the

'Terrific At Ruining Daleks' Imminent Schemes' (_and that's my own invention –bows-_) "is de-tec-ded!" unfortunately. But this is seven o'clock, we're talking here. And the BBC. Ah well, can't have everything…

And the Daleks blow the old blue box that's spinning randomly in space far far away, and they all live happily ever after. Eh, not likely, thanks. In reality (_I wish!)_ Captain Jack Harkness-Sparrow-whatever-the-last-name-is-of-that-guy-on-Lost _(Tai: Sheppard) _has neutralized the pan-galactic-gargle-blaster from 'Boom Town' – yeah I know it's a surfboard, but gargle-blasters are more fun – and has made it into a nice comfy shield for the

'**_T_**rouble And Rose Don't Indefinitely (get) Separated.' (_In a perfect world…but that's for next season, __kiddies. Oh, fantastic. I've gone and depressed myself now – just going to go and read a crackfic or __two. Okay, back_.) and with that they rescue Rose and Jack explodes the Dalek that was standing next to her with the BIIIIIIG gun he nicked off his robot girlfriends (Trin-E and Zu-zana, reasonable couple - but when they wanted to start playing Black Widows the relationship sorta went downhill slightly) and he and **_T_**rouble share a little planet-angst. Well, sorta…

"What? But that's fake! A kid's story!"

"No it ain't."

"Yeah it is."

"No, it ain't…"

When our favourite alien finally persuades Captain Jack that he has been taking his medication (anti-shell-shock pills. Beyond that, don't ask.) he immediately proves to the otherwise by stepping out the door to 'meet the neighbours'.

Or not. Although he does seem convinced that they're the British Eurovision group for some reason, but then he goes and starts gloating on about how he's the only thing that Daleks are scared of. Apparently, they call him the Oncoming Storm…which just sounds like a poetic way of saying **_T_**rouble-on-legs to me.

Anyway, he discovers that the Daleks are all part-human, have Got Religon, and are all insane. Yup, they're human alright. He gets so upset that he snarls at them a couple of times, then beats a hasty retreat and stands with his forehead against his arm leaning on the door of the

'Time Ain't Relative, Dear, It's (just) Serious', looking suitably angst-y.

Well, he should. Guess he killed his species off for nothing.

Poor guy.

Back at headquarters, i.e the gamestation / satellite five, Lynda-with-a-Y still hasn't left. Looks like the possible new companion theory's going ahead.

"Silly little apes! Why haven't you left?"

"This is the Titanic – I mean, the gamestation! We haven't got enough lifeboats!"

Ah well, at least it looks like they've got cannon fodder. Speaking of – Random-dislikeable-strongest-link-guy is whining that he hasn't got his money. Eh?

You've got bigger things to worry about mate, take it from me.

**_T_**rouble has a revelation – the Daleks gave them a weapon. Sorta. The Barbeque- delta-wave, voila! But it's a killer wave- and you're not meant to know that yet. Dammit. Ignore me. And naturally, there's never enough TIME….

Jack says his grand goodbyes to Rose and **_T_**rouble…by giving them both a big ol' smoosh on the kisser. Is it just me, or did it look like Rose wanted the boys to go a bit further than that?

Captain Sparrow informs all the little redshirts that they're gonna be killed by a bunch of monsters that look like remote-control pepperpots. (_A/N: and I was thinking that they were…)_ Random-dislikeable-strongest-link does the 'this guy is crazy, don't listen to him!' stint and Captain Jack Harkness proves that Americans DO make some of the best speeches, according to the theories of narrative law, at least…

So they've got a handful of silly little apes protecting them with bastic or plastic or something weird bullets. Metal ones didn't help much, but I guess they gotta try something…

Meanwhile, the BBQ-wave is starting to build, and **_T_**rouble's sulking after Jack ups and leaves and Rose suggests they clear out without him. Then her alien makes her clear out in the

'Terribly Arbitrary Rare Domain Inside (this) Ship.'

Understandably, she's a bit upset about that you know – screams at the ship an' all. How rude.

As soon as she's home, Mickey-the-idiot runs up and starts babbling, and then she proceeds to burst into tears. I would too, I suppose.

(The scenes have a tendency to flick back and forth from this point, so watch this space…)

Back on the gamestation, five/fifteen/fifty centuries ahead, **_T_**rouble is working on the BBQ wave when

Jack gives him a call – to make sure if Rose knows how to recognise numbers, apparently. When he finds out she's not, He goes, 'Ah, well. Just you an' me, Handsome.' Then the emperor of the Daleks (_A/N: did I tell you about him? Guess not. Basically, big giant immobile Dalek, reckons he's God. I've heard stranger_.) breaks into their conversation, informs Sparrow that **_T_**rouble will kill them all – strangely, this comes as no surprise to the Captain (paranoid or what?) – and if he's God, then **_T_**rouble's the devil. Heh, nice devil…

Also, the words BAD WOLF mean nothing him. There goes one idea…

Meanwhile, back on earth 2006, Rose mopes while her ex and her mother discuss fast food. She flips out at them, then runs off crying…again.

And back again – while the CGI team have fun with a Dalek army in space, jack tells Lynda-with-a-Y to be their eyes and ears, then yells at the world in general that:

"_This is it, ladies and gentlemen! We are at war!"_. Just in case you couldn't tell for yourself.

Rose is sulking in a random park. Mickey-the-idiot comes by and says that her alien wants her to have a boring life so she might as well get on with it. She stands up to tell him off when she sees BAD WOLF chalked on the tarmac in front of her, although why she didn't notice it up 'til now – it's in three-foot high letters for godsake! - is beyond me. It's also the graffiti on that wall. And that wall. And that one too – it's everywhere! So is the random-spooky-music! (_A/N: Which, by-the-by, sounds like TARDIS-song to me.) _It's not a warning. It's a message. She yells this in the poor boy's face before running off. Again. Has all that time with the Doc given her a fitness fetish?

Mickey-the-idiot's told by Rose that the

'Telepathic And Regulated Device Is (his) Ship', is telepathic, but he thinks she's not listening. Yeah, whatever you say, Ricky. His ex-girlfriend tells him to help her break her alien's ship. Well, not exactly break –flashback-to-Boom-Town-which-explains-everything – but crack it open so Rose can boss it around too.

Lynda's playing warmer-colder with the Daleks and the cannon-fodder and Jack, with her cute little viewscreen. The lasers aren't working, and the first of the cannon fodder to go down curses Sparrow with her dying breath. Wonderful.

Quickie shot to Mickey, armed with his Mini Cooper (which has changed from a VW beetle since last we saw it) and a large tow-chain, as he tries to pull open the ship's console while Rose looks on and shouts 'Faster! Faster!' – From a safe distance, of course. It doesn't work, and they break the tow-chain. Surprise, surprise…

The Daleks have reached floor 495. Apparently, Jack likes floor 495 – his other, somewhat longer-lived robot girlfriend lives there. Her name's Anne-droid. Maybe you know her?She gets three whole Daleks before she's blown up. Go Anne. Although…all she's doing is teleporting them back to their ship…so, not much use in the long run.

And then the Daleks go kill all the poor stupid civvies who actually listened to Random-dislikeable-strongest-link. Ah well, at least he dies first.

Rose is depressed. Her plan didn't work. Her mum comes into the

'Take Away Rose (and the) Doctor Is Sulky' _(Tai: this one comes from fobofish92, along with MANY more)_ to offer tea, and condolences so she tells her that her dad'd say otherwise, because he was stubborn and loyal. Jackie Tyler disagrees, then Rose says she knows better, and tells her that she was there when he got hit by the car and died. We know that – so were we.

…and now she's made her mum cry too. So we're all happy. (_sarcasm overload_).

Lynda-with-a-Y watches the death of Earth's humans and the Emperor of the Daleks gloats about it. Jack's on the last line and he survives until the others (the two controller-types) don't. They get one Dalek in the process, though.

Score: Humans – 4 Daleks – 10000. This match is a bit one-sided hey?

Rose is almost giving up when her mum…drives in with a big yellow tow-truck, and admits that Rose was right.

Lynda-with-a-Y is found by the Daleks and dies. I didn't know they had tech Daleks with butane torches! Jack begins his last stand – what remotely sensible person backs down a corridor, anyway? He knows the bullets don't work – why not just run and hide behind **_T_**rouble! Oh yeah, he seems to be American. I forgot.

Speaking of, our favourite alien has just about finished the BBQ-wave-starter (which looks like a black ACME detonator to me) and the Dalek-Emperor-God-guy pops by for a chat.

"Nah-nah nah-nah-nah! You won't kill me! I can't die!"

Did I mention he was crazy?

The big yellow tow-truck (big yellow taxi! Yay!) is hooked up to the console, and Ricky gives it a lot of juice before it works – the glowy green panel lifts up, all this gold light stuff flows out into Rose's eyes (doesn't that hurt?) and the blue box's doors slam shut, slightly ominously…

The good Captain says his – sorta – heroic last words, which happen to be a somewhat sarcastic retort to a Dalek's familiar warcry. Good boy. Now play dead…oops. Not _that _realistically. **_T_**rouble gets told off by the Dalek-emperor –

"You'll become just like me. Mwahahahaha!"

- and decides that he'd much prefer to be a coward than a killer, any day. Pity. But it just means that - when he's surrounded by Daleks with little or no apparent life expectancy over a few seconds – both he and his arch-enemies all get to have the same thought for once, as the

'Telephone-box! A Reasonable Disguise, It Seems' _(Tai: Tai Greywing claims this one. What fun is creating a challenge if you don't take part?) _appears and Rose/not-Rose comes from it in a swirl of white-gold light – **WTF?**

Or at least, that was my thought, and it was written all over our favourite alien's angular features. God knows what the Daleks where thinking – well, the Emperor of the Daleks probably does, but he just reckons he's God, silly pepperpot-guy – it's probably something like 'must kill Doc-tor then go get milk'.

One of the little pepperpot soldiers gets a bit trigger happy, and so no sooner has gold-glowy-Rose-with-very-cool-CGI-contact-lenses announced that _she's_ the big BAD WOLF _( A/N:_ _the _

'_Travelling Around Rough (and) Distant (places) Indefinitely So', must really be digging about in her mind, you can even hear her when the Bad Wolf speaks, although apparently the time vortex is to blame, but isn't the time vortex inside the ship, or is the ship inside the time vortex? Okay, that's gonna be bugging me all week now…_ ) she gets shot at with a Dalek laser-bolt. Well, attempted, at any rate. But then the SFX guys step in and Rose-wolf reverses the bolt, and the poor little pepperpot soldiers have about five seconds to look puzzled (in as much as they can) before they're dissolved into gold mist and fine white ash.

They've been disintegrated - for real, this time.

Then the Emperor/God/Leader-dude of the Daleks gets to say ,"Nooo! You can't kill meee! I am invincible!"

(_A/N: which, if you're a bad guy, is a sure-fire way to get you very very deaded.) _Before the big Bad Wolf huffs, and puffs, and blows his house in. Hehe.

Having got over his shock slightly, **_T_**rouble stands up and has a brief talk with Glowy-Rose about the dangers of absorbing the soul of his ship. She doesn't apologise because apparently, she can 'bring life' – and with that, with get a close-up shot of Sparrow gasping awake in the hallway outside. (Yay! He's alive! Told you he was also only pretending!)

Then she starts complaining that her head hurts, that everything, literally everything hurts – am I the only one who noticed tear-tracks on her skin during this scene? – and for THAT, he kisses her.

Honestly, the only kiss they ever get on-screen and she doesn't remember it afterwards – someone kill the writers, please…

And the shiny goldy time-vortexy stuff comes swirling out of her eyes and into his. Wow. It must've been a good kiss, 'coz now she's fainted. He stands up, and again I go wow. He should wear those CGI contacts lenses all the time. While they made Rose look all mystic and goddess-y, they just make him look really powerful and really scary…any bad guys'd just run away screaming if they saw him like that.

So he takes a big deep breath – and blows it all back into the

'Terrific, Awesome, Really (fantastic), Dandy Incredible Ship' _(Tai: thanks to Briar Elwood and my apologies for being such a slow updater)_, then stumbles, suddenly looking really small (_or is that just the camera angle? Nah, s'just me._) and normal again. As if **_T_**rouble could ever look normal.

Back in the ship, Rose regains consciousness and wonders how on Earth she got there, and is sceptical of her alien's singing talents. We get a shot of his hand with gold still twisting in the veins, then he start yammering about what he probably thinks is a perfectly good explanation about what's about to happen to him but leaves poor Rose confused and scared. And so say all of us…

Just when he's gotten on to his theory about dogs and planets with no noses (or was it the other way round?) he doubles up in pain then does a really good golden phoenix impression. In the bright light, we can just see something changing…

…and when our eyesight returns to us, he's not there.

Or is he?

This new, pale-skinned stranger (Mr. This-leather-jacket-really-doesn't-look-right-on-me) blinks a few times, complains about his teeth, and grins brightly.

Where were we?

Barcelona!

00000000000000

Summary of the Synopsis:

Rose saves the world, and the Doctor gets blown up in the process. He's okay, but there's one little problem…

…he's now David Tennant.

0000000000000000

_A note from Tai:_

_Seeing as I couldn't write more then about two paragraphs of my own version, I am indebted to my dear Mousewolf for finishing this off for me. But the show's not over yet! Oh no, go to my profile page to find the links for the next chapters in this bizarre excuse for a story._

_Claimer: Despite all the things that over the chapters I've said I don't own, I'd like to point out that I do own something (I think). The name for the Doctor that is **T**rouble-on-legs, or just **T**rouble (with a capital, bold AND italicised 'T'). I believe it belongs to me. However, I'm not averse to anyone else using it, in fact please do. Spread the word! I just want to say: You heard it here first._

_And on that note ('La!'), I'll say thanks for reading. Review? For both me and Mousewolf?_

_Tai_


End file.
